Chris's Album Review's - Soundgarden - King Animal

     On November 13th 2012 Soundgarden came out with their 6th album and their first in 16 years. I was excited when I heard that they had come out with one. I was surprised that I had not heard of it before the release but our local rock radio station has made the full transition to top 40, therefore leaving my county without a rock radio station, it's upsetting but I digress. Soundgarden's history shows them on par with bands like Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and of course Nirvana. I personally would rank them above Pearl Jam and below Alice in Chains with Nirvana conceding before completion and therefor coming in last by a healthy margin. Simply put Soundgarden is grunge, not modern rock. So why does this album sound like BuckCherry?

     Don't get me wrong, band's like BuckCherry and Three Day's Grace have their place in the world of music and I understand how Soundgarden got where they are now with Audioslave, Chris Cornell's solo career and all that but using the name Soundgarden set's up a certain understanding of what we are going to be listening to, this album refuses to follow those terms of understanding. "Well Chris..." your saying "Many other bands have changed the way they play and you yourself have said that a band evolving is important for creativity". These are true statments and things I do believe, however, as I said above, it has been 16 years since we have heard from Soundgarden, there's not progress, no point A to point B to point C. THey just went straight from point A to point T. The band still works well together as they always have but that edge, the raw sound, that attitude that they used to have is long gone.

God... It's like 30 years have passed...

The difference in style is most apparent in the opening song "Been Away Too Long". While listening to this song for the first time I said to myself "okay, well there's the single" which is something you shouldn't want or have to say while listening to an album. I didn't look it up on Wikipedia or anything it just sounds like a single and it's the only song on the album that sounds like a single. The closing song "Rowing" is a nice song to end the album on because its a bit more bluesy. I think its the best song on the album and the best use of the bands talents. There's not a lot of other songs to talk about, honestly there's not a lot good or bad to say about the album and I'm having a hard time pin pointing why it's not good. I think in all honesty it's just a blah album.

     A blah album is an album you pick up, listen to and put back down without second thought. There's nothing really wrong with the album it just doesn't hold your attention, there's no replay value. I found myself bored listening to it while driving, thinking about all the better albums I could be listening to. At the end of the day this album is neither good nor bad, all I can say is that right now I know it exists. Would I recommend it? Not at all except for diehard fans that don't have an issue making excuses for the band. To sum it up Soundgarden didn't need to make an album to remind fans that they still existed, but I think they needed to make one to remind their bank accounts. After writing this I will mostly likely forget this album was released.

What were we talking about again?

4 out of 10 barbie dolls melting on a bar-b-Que

City of Heroes - A Retrospective

    City Of Heroes - A Retrospective

 

This is a story about my time spent playing a game that was near and dear to me. This is a true story.

I started playing city of heroes in April 2004 when it hit shelves. I remember it vividly. I went to Best Buy to try and find a new game that was like "Freedom Force". I saw City of Heroes and figured "looks like a third person action title where you get to make your own hero, neat". When I got home and loaded it up it prompted me for my credit card info which was surprising. "Why would you need my credit card?" I asked the computer. After a Google search I learned it was an MMORPG, a type of game that was played exclusively online with other people. This interested me as the only other MMORPG I had play at this point was Asheron's Call, and that was 1 time, at a friends house. I gladly paid an extra 15 bucks to get it going. I mean, I had already spent 50 on the game and installed it. I told myself I can always cancel it if I want.

I looked through the class types that were available. Blaster - ranged damage dealers, Tankers - melee damage takers, Defenders - support and healing, Scrapers - melee damage dealers and Controllers - crowd control and support. After mush deliberation I rolled out a Controller named The Telepathy and started playing. It was great! I had some good teammates who worked well with me and each other. This was a great game with people who were my "friends". 3 months later my girlfriend moved in with me and the most common phrase heard at my home was "Are you coming to bed tonight?" Which was normally followed by a grunt and a slurp of coffee. I had talked a few of my "RL" friend into playing at this point too and we would play all night until the servers went down for maintenance at 7 am. Then we would go and eat breakfast and I would visit my girl, who was working the morning shift at Starbucks at the time and apologize for the night before, normally explaining that we got into a "thing" that took way longer than expected.

I was addicted. I bought guides, spent all my free time on the online community boards, came up with tactics for missions and assumed leadership off my own supergroup, The Mongrels. I even wrote down all my ideas on how to make our characters better by playing off each others power sets. Then out of the blue I ran out of money to pay for it each month. You see, I had quit my job because they refused to promote me to a leadership position. Stupid move on my part but luckily I had saved a few bucks from the work I was doing so I could live for a few months without issue. A few months quickly became a month and it wasn't long before I was mooching off of the girlfriend. I switched over my account to her card without her knowing, but unlike me, she checked her statements. So that didn't last. I was left with no choice but to find a new job.

Next thing I knew I was playing again, and my efforts were redoubled. I had enlisted all my friends and we played daily. What a great time we had, we each picked a class and power set that would work well with everyone and we tore the game up. By this point, I had somehow gotten married. With the release of City of Villains I knew I had to upgrade my computer. Downside was there was no way the "wife" would let me. I was so addicted that I went and got a 1k limit credit card from Best Buy and bought a new computer without her knowledge. I told her my old one died and I needed to get a new one. She was wary but ultimately there was little she could do, it's not like it could be returned and I knew a lot more about computers then her. The addiction got worse, almost every night until 7 am, then leave for work to arrive by 8. Sleep during the day after work. Two months later she found my old computer in the garage and booted it up. That was a fun 2 weeks of the silent treatment. Then at last the day came.

"Quit the game or I'm leaving" she said. It had been over 3 years of playing. I told her "No, I'm not quitting and your not leaving, I'll slow down". I started going to bed by 2 am. It's important to note also that by this time I had ballooned up to 315 lbs. I exited high school (2003) at 200. Around this time (late 2007) I decided to join the Army. This was the nail in the coffin. I quit the game with a couple level 50 characters and didn't look back. After basic training I re-started my account. I played for a few months but it failed to live up to the memories. I stopped playing for good. I've had the itch in the back of my head for awhile to replay it, but I knew I would get sucked in again. So I was content knowing that if I ever did want to go back I could and my characters were there waiting for me. That was until November 30th 2012, when NCsoft closed its doors and killed City Of Heroes.

I was heart broken, all that work, all those fun times, deleted off of a server and forgotten forever. It was like not talking to a friend for years then finding out they have terminal cancer and by the time you get to the hospital it's to late. I felt bad, for everything I had done in the name of this game that no longer existed, hundreds of hours of my life I'll never get back. I took one hard look at the shut down on YouTube and when the servers went down I knew, the addiction was finally gone.It's funny though, I've never been fully addicted to something like this before. I understand that I can't get it but the itch to play is still there, like I could just boot it up and go whenever I wanted. The shut down has made me realize just how badly I want to play. I guess its true what they say about always wanting what you can't have.

Behind The Curve: Fright Night (2011)

Hey Everybody, Chris Here
Sometimes movies get lost in the jumble of life. I have a young daughter, a wife, a full time job, friends, and a dog. Needless to say I don't always get to go to the theater when I would have liked to. Yes it's true that as we age we get to do less and and less of the things we want to, and more and more of the things we need to. With that in mind I sometimes miss movies that the younger, less responsible version of myself would have gone to see opening weekend. I still get to see these movies, sometimes just a little too late to have a true discussion with people about them. Lets just say sometimes, I'm a little behind the curve.
I will also preface this by saying I have not seen the original, so I won't be comparing them.

Nice symbolism, Farrell is gonna eat you good.

     I just finished watching Fright Night (2011) and boy did I enjoy it. I'm normally not one for big dumb movies that score about a C+ in the grand scheme of things but I found this one very enjoyable. I'm a sucker for vampires... (get it? ... sucker...?) Well I guess that's kind of a loaded statement, now I'm not a vampire expert or fanatic, but I'm glad to see a vampire that doesn't sparkle. I like my vampires two ways, sexy and evil. Fright Night does this very well, I may not be gay but I can respect a good looking man, and I know Colin Farrell is quite the looker. Unfortunately, he is too good looking and never comes off as menacing as he is trying to be. Maybe its just me but he has always looked more like a good guy than a bad guy. Other than Farrell this film is perfectly casted. David Tennant as Peter Vincent and Christopher Mintz-Plasse as a friend turned vampire fits well but I feel like he is still being type-casted as "McLovin". The rest of the cast, including the main character, I don't know and did an okay job. I was never questioning these actors as these people.

He doesn't look evil to me...

OH FUCK! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

     I briefly touched on my like for vampires, allow me to explain. I like learning the rules for vampires on a movie to movie basis. This one had the following; Crosses, stakes, invitation only, sunlight, always evil, holy water, garlic (mentioned but not seen) and fire. Because of the large number of ways vampires can die I wonder how they manage to be alive for so long. It's like the writers sat down and said "what kills a vampire?" They wrote down all they could think of and said "yeah that works". As opposed to several other vampire films where they have one or two weaknesses and can still be good guys. Vampires are bad guys, always. They want to eat us. Do people not understand this? It's as classic a foe as can ever be seen, something that is as smart as humans (or smarter) that is higher on the food chain. It's a scary thought. I digress back to the film.

I guess crosses only work for those that have faith.

     There are a few shots that are single camera/single take shots which I am always impressed with. The sets were good looking and I easily believed they were in the Las Vegas desert. My biggest issue with the film was the cinematography. It was filmed with 3D in mind which isn't bad in and of itself but I watched it in 2D, so it was just kind of annoying to see things coming at the camera. I'm really starting to get tired of 3D films in general, but with a film like this which is tongue in cheek horror comedy I think it's more acceptable.

   Bottom line: This movie is well written, well directed and well acted. If you like horror comedies that don't take themselves seriously take a look here. Be warned, this isn't high cinema, it's hang back, drink a few beers and enjoy cinema. I recommend it.

8 out of 10 house for sale signs stuck into a vampire.

Halo 4: A Review - By Alex

 Hey everybody! Alex here,

   I'm finally going to bring you my review of the newest game in the Halo series; Halo 4.

Step 1. Make poster epic.
Step 2. Scrap original poster because it's not epic enough and replace it with this image.
Step 3. Release to interwebs and let fanboys (and fangirls) go crazy.

   So, a little bit about me and my love of this franchise: I own all of the Halo games and have completed all of the campaigns on Legendary aside form Halo Wars which I have yet to actually play much of (can you blame me?). I also own, have read, and greatly enjoyed all of the Halo universe books with the exception of the Forerunner Trilogy (I own the two that are out and I am currently reading them), I have bought a few of the comics as well as the overall poor quality Halo: Legends DVD which is essentially the 'Animatrix' or 'Batman: Gotham Knight'. However, I thought some of the shorts were quite good but was left feeling a little disappointed.  I should note that at the time that I am writing this review, I have only played through the campaign of Halo 4 once on Heroic difficulty and have only played the Infinity and the Multiplayer sections a few times so the majority of my review will be based on the Story Mode. With my cred thus established, let's get to it...


   To start let me say that this game is fantastic, stunning, jaw-dropping, better than I thought possible... Graphically. The graphics in this game are the best I have seen in any game and they are right up there with some of the best that I have seen in animated films. I had to watch the opening cinematic twice to make sure they weren't using real life actors in a few shots. In the game itself there are only a couple of places that I spotted that looked less that fantastic (like how some of the human faces in the in-game cinematics seemed a little off to me, but overall the face animations were on the same level as those in Mass Effect 3).  The backgrounds are beautiful art in their own right and my first play through was slowed down by a good hour because I was just walking around admiring the scenery. Side note: This game requires a HD television to fully appreciate it.




STORY
   The story is well thought out and provides you with reasons to accomplish other objectives to keep moving towards your ultimate goal, and I can honestly say that I did not see the ending coming. But here is where the cracks begin to show. While the overall story is fairly straight forward and the missions are for the most part interesting and engaging, it felt as though you had to have read the first two Greg Bear Forerunner books and first two Karin Traviss books (which I really enjoyed by the way) that have been released thus far to fully enjoy the campaign. Now I do like the idea of having books to fill the cracks in the game and give the player a more complete immersion into the world and the story, but I don't think that it should feel like you're missing out on something during the game if you choose not to go deeper with additional material. This is a little detrimental to the experience of the players who have not yet read the preceding books and takes away from the enjoyment of the game. While I'm at it, there were a few parts where I was left wondering how Cortana or another couple of characters (though it was mostly with Cortana) had the information on a previously unknown place or being that was only recently introduced. The in-game dialogue that Cortana provides is reminiscent of the little fairy that hangs around Link ("Hey, Listen!"). It doesn't add much to the game-play, and is annoying at times with how off it felt, like it was just jammed in there and left as "good enough" in a game where everything else is polished.

"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!"

GAME-PLAY
   The game-play is crisp and smooth and left me feeling in almost complete control of Master Chief (the less than perfect control is more likely a reflection of my skill rather than a fault of the game's design), and I couldn't be happier with it. Except for the auto-aim which is pretty heavy handed throughout the game and kind of ruins the multiplayer aspect of the game for me (more on that later). Though it certainly does makes you feel like a badass when you pull off that quick headshot that saves your life until you realize that it probably wasn't your skill that saved you and then you're left feeling a little cheated and dirty. The only defense that I can come up with for this control hijacking is that you are supposed to be a Spartan; better than the best. But in actuality, I'm guessing that it's more so that the less skilled players feel better than they really are and will want to continue playing more. Who needs to practice and get better, right? I don't know about you, but if I'm good at a game, I want it to be because I'm actually good at it, not because the game is designed for me to be good at it. And *Spoilers* there were a few parts around missions 3-5 where it becomes a little boring to just hop in the provided tank or Mech and roll around blowing stuff up, but it would be all but impossible to finish the level without them. Cool idea there, but the novelty wore off quickly.

MUSIC  
   The music is wonderful and I could happily just sit and listen to it, but it did not have a singular stand out song like the original theme (Dun-dun-dun-da, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-daa) to add to the mix. It sure felt like they were trying to create another iconic sound for the series with one song (if/when you play the campaign just listen to the sad music that is just about in every cut scene) but, it just didn't stick for me. I'm a sucker for the epic orchestral instrumentals and found these to be both noticeable when the action on the screen was slow and a good mood setting tone in the background when there was more to focus on, and really, what more do you want from a video game soundtrack?



MULTIPLAYER
   The multiplayer is... interesting. They seem to have taken the Reach multiplayer system (which wasn't bad but boy-oh-boy did it piss off the Halo 3 players), tweaked it to make it easier for people with less developed hand/eye coordination and added the loadout options and the unlockable weapons. On the topic of the loadouts, the game received a lot of flack for having directly ripped off the loadout system from Black Ops. To that I say, 'So what?'. Not being a Black Ops player myself, it's all new to me, and the loadout setup has existed in one form of another for years now. Not to mention that you could choose your weapons in the multiplayer setup menu of the last three Halo games. But yes, only recently do you have the more modifiable version where you can setup, in advance, your own individual loadouts from the weapons that you unlocked by playing the game. But before all of that, you could choose from the original class system in which you had different loadouts based on the different classes and you could change classes between deaths! (Thank you Team Fortress 2, Battlefield, Call of Duty, Monday Night Combat, etc. etc. etc). It's all just variations on a theme. To me the bigger rip-off comes from the original Call of Duty. When you die in multiplayer, the screen flashes to the view of the person that killed you a few seconds before your death. I really like this feature because it shows you just how bullshit the auto-aim is. Hell, half of the times I died in the multiplayer games I wasn't even in the sights of the person who had the final shot. I was in the peripheral scope that outlined where you might hit if you were lucky. I'm not saying that the kills were impossible to make, but they happened too frequently for them all to be 'lucky' shots. Good thing I didn't buy this game for the multiplayer.

"None of us is as bullshit as all of us."

WEEKLY UPDATES
   The weekly updates are pretty cool and a neat idea. I am a fan of the side missions that bring you more of the story not touched upon by the viewpoint in the main campaign and parallel the main story. The weekly mission packs are free and play like multiplayer objective games where you work to complete the given objective, either solo, or with a team of friends or strangers. Not to mention that each mission set comes with another amazing five or so minute cinematic intro to help further the story. And these shorts are all things of beauty.


THE END
   The end of the game (or really anything) can be the most important part of the experience to me because it's the last thing you experience and the part of the game that stays with you the longest. If handled poorly, the end can absolutely ruin an otherwise wonderful adventure (Mass Effect 3). The end gameplay of Halo 4 annoyed me at first because I thought that it was a simple cop-out to let the player control the ending actions since there really was no choice in what you could do. You had one thing that you could do and no other options but to do it, so why even give us the option at all? But after a few hours of reflection I realized that I had hesitated to "pull the trigger" so to speak because I didn't know what was going to happen. I suspected, sure, but I hesitated because I had created an emotional connection with the characters over the last 11 years and the possible ramifications were painful to think about. To have it be me who was the one to make the final move instead of simply watching it happen was a bit of brilliance and made me realize that these characters were more than just characters in a game, they have the same soul that any good characters from film or print do. The end of the story, shown in the final cinematic, has left me eagerly anticipating the next game, but wary of what could go wrong.


   In summary, I am very pleased with the game and plan to have many hours of enjoyment replaying the campaign and playing the weekly missions. The multiplayer? Not so much, I'll give it a go again but am not expecting much more out of it. I think the men and women of 343 Industries will continue to do right by the fans and the franchise because they are fans as well.

The Breakdown

GRAPHICS: 10 of 10 (Nothing in life is ever perfect, but these graphics sure come close.)
STORY: 8 of 10 (Solid story, but it loses a point for the required reading and another one because it felt like there was room for a bit more.)
GAME-PLAY: 8 of 10 (two points off for the damned auto-aim.)
MUSIC: 8 of 10 (Solid and enjoyable but nothing terribly outstanding.)
MULTIPLAYER: 5 of 10 (Interesting options and a solid format, but ruined by the nerfing (auto-aim) that is meant to create a more level playing field.)
WEEKLY UPDATES (Infinity): 9 of 10 (I haven't seen this idea before and I dig the originality and the fact that it helps fill in some of the gaps left by in the main campaign.)

OVERALL: A solid 8 out of 10. The fanboy in me was not disappointed, but a large portion of the game, the multiplayer bit, was disappointing. A solid showing and a promising start to a new trilogy... or is it a sextuplet? ...An ennealogy? Or even a decology if you count the Anniversary edition of Combat Evolved? Whatever you call it, I'm ready and waiting.

In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Chris here, I watched the first 35 minutes of In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale and I had to turn it off. This isn't the worst movie I have ever seen, but it is in the top 5. I'll keep this short.

     Uwe Boll is the master at making terrible movies. He is also the master of giving video game movies a bad name. Dungeon Siege is a sub-par video game that is only known because it is a Diablo 2 knock off.  This film follows suit by being a below sub-par film that is only known because it is so bad and it also happens to be a Lord Of The Rings knock off. It'e pretty apparent that he is modeling this movie directly after Lord of The Rings with all the sweeping shots of landscape (which starts off the movie) the films score (more on that later) and the main bad guys (some kind of orc knock off). The first thing I thought after starting to watch this film on Youtube, for free, was "how does this talent-less director get these names?" Actors like Jason Statham, Ron Pearlman,  Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds!? Talented people who can make a quality film when they want to, other then to earn a quick buck and the promise of a wrap party within 20 days I can't imagine that any of these people would want to work with Boll. If you want to know more about this psychopathic director I recommend looking at his wiki. I found the part where he says he will box any critic particularly funny, I decided that I would love to see him try to fight Robert Ebert.

Seeing "Bandit" as a king is strange and confusing. 

     This film opens with no context, my guess is Ray Liotta is an evil mage who is sleeping with the king's daughter who is a mage in training and the king would not approve of this. How do I know this? Great lines like "I'm so glad your training me to use this magic but my father's the king and if he finds out about us we will be in trouble". We are told that the shitty orc knock offs are attacking people and we are introduced to King Burt Reynolds. We see "Farmer" played by Jason Statham (because being named what you do is lazy and stupid so Boll had to put it in) doing things with his family including pulling some kind of root, and eating said root. It was at this point that I figured that his wife and son would both die within the next 15 minutes, nay, I demanded that these characters die. We are then introduced to Ron Pearlman. I don't know who he is but I think his name is "Old Guy who uses a pick ax as a weapon" or something like that. "Farmer" then has to fight a bunch of the orc knock off's and doesn't get hit, he runs to Ron Pearlman's house who shouts "It's about time" like he should have known they would be there too and how dare he not arrive before defending his own home. There's no explanation why anyone can fight that I saw or heard, but maybe they said something about it and the score was so overwhelming that I couldn't hear it.

     Speaking of the score, god damn this is terrible. Boll needs to turn it down. It's not like the dialogue is so great that we need to hear it but I don't want to listen to shitty wanna be Lord of the rings score when I can just listen to LOTR soundtrack (also on Youtube if you don't own it). Next question: Was there a fight choreographer? The first 35 minutes is 25 minutes of fighting and 10 minutes of useless story so there should have been, but there's no consistency.  Every time "Farmer" ducks and has a orc thing roll over him they die, no rhyme, no reason, there just gone forever. I think I figured it out though, every time "Farmer" rolls a orc thing off of him a small worm hole opens up and sucks them in, it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie so why not.

      More happened but I turned it off right around the part where they get to a bridge that has been burnt down and decide to zipline across a it with a piece of leather. "Farmer" makes it across but Pearlman gets stuck half way and the third guy goes without looking and ohhh no.... Hilarity sets in when they collide on the rope and fall several hundred feet into water below. Good thing the waters super deep and not normal water that will still kill you when you hit it because they are fine. The next line was so funny, Ron Pearlman gets out of the water and he's soaking wet and he says "So much for a short cut". That was the last straw for me. I had to turn it off.

This looks like a crappy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain from the third movie.

    This is one of the worst things my eyes have ever endured and I've watched 60 year old meth addicted chicks taking their tops off at concerts. I couldn't get through it. I had better things to do.In summary the score was awful, the acting terrible, script... well I don't know if they had one, the set pieces looked like set pieces, the enemies are stock, the characters are stock and I think a dead, deaf, blind monkey could have made a better film.

0 out of 10 Boomerang throws that do nothing but scare off birds.

2 out of 10 Boomerang throws that do nothing but scare off birds. (If drinking, while watching with friends)

3 Hours of Call Me Maybe By Comedian Erik Bowman

     So let me start this by saying that I’m a complete idiot, a moron, a fool, for even attempting such a feat.  I was at the PX here in Kuwait, and I noticed the song “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen playing over the speakers.  Nothing abnormal, it’s a popular song at the moment with a solid 300+ million views on YouTube.  Then the song ended, and then it started again.  As I was paying for my stuff, I sparked up a conversation with the cashier about the song starting again.  In very broken English he informed me that the song was playing on repeat for about 3 hours.  Fuck.

     This got me wondering, how could someone hear that song, or any song for that matter, over and over again and not crack.  How could they not have their mind engulfed in the crippling tentacles of dementia and start flinging their own shit at strangers?  Or better yet, who would be so insane and idiotic to do this on purpose?  I would.  My name is Erik Bowman, and being of sound mind and body, I am going to listen to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” on repeat for 3 hours.  No breaks, no stoppages, doing nothing but listening to this song for 3 goddamn hours.  These are my thoughts as this terrifying feat is attempted.  This is for science.

Play count: 0

My hands are already shaking a little, I’ve heard this song a few times, and I already hate it.  I’m sincerely dreading what’s to come.

Play count: 1

iTunes rating = 1 star, take that Carly.

Play count: 3

I can’t help but notice that Carly sounds like a sheep when she says, “So baaaad.”  This won’t be so bad, I can do this.  I’m a grown ass man and she’s a Canadian Idol reject.

Play count: 5

Why the fuck am I doing this?  My stopwatch is showing 13 minutes and it’s already felt like an eternity.  Initially this just seemed like a funny idea, but right now I’m realized exactly how stupid of a fucking idea this is.  Unrelated note, I couldn’t find any naked pictures of her online.

Play count: 10

I honestly think my brain just shut off for the past 3 or 4 plays and I’m pretty sure that’s not a good sign.  But as soon as I started typing I became aware of what I was doing again and started paying attention to it again.  Also, it took about 10 plays of this song on repeat for me to actually notice the guitar in it.

Play count: 11

These pistachios are pretty good.  Sidenote, I’m dead inside.

Play count: 13

I’m starting to really enjoy the winding down sound part at the end of the song, because I get to enjoy a few seconds of break from the song.

Play count: 19

One hour down, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Deep breath Bowman, you can do this.

Play count: 20

HEY I JUST MET YOU AND THIS IS CRAZY BUT HERE’S MY NUMBER SO CAHUIODFASNOJFASNUOFWANU

Play count: 21

I want to die.

Play count: 24

I can say without a doubt that I know absolutely every lyric to this song which is something I never wanted to be able to say I could do.  I’m also ashamed to say at times I find myself bobbing my head to the song.

Play count: 27

At this point I’m just silently shaking my head.  To be completely honest I’m extremely close to tapping out.

Play count: 29

I’m halfway there, I didn’t think I would even make it this far.  I took a few Advil since I’m starting to develop a headache, and staring at the screen is causing my eyes to water.  Maybe they’re just tears, I’m not quite sure.

Play count: 32

BEFORE YOU CAME TO INTO MY LIFE I MISSED YOU SO BAAAAAAAAD

Play count: 36

What happened?  Did I just black out for 4 plays of the song?  I literally blinked and it’s been over 10 minutes and I really can’t remember anything.

Play count: 38

Two hours down, one to go, I really can’t wait for this to be over.  This song is making my fucking teeth hurt.

Play count: 39

I’m really trying to come up with funny and entertaining things to say for this blog, but my mind is just fuzzy at this point.  I think this song is slowly killing me.  Carly is the slowest assassin I’ve ever heard of.

Play count: 42

I would probably pay $1000 to listen to any other song right now, maybe even $2000.  I just got a nosebleed.

Play count: 44

$3000.

Play count: 46

My head is throbbing at this point, I’m starting to rock back and forth mouthing the words the entire time, I’m really close to quitting, but I’m so close.  Sooooo close.

Play count: 48

A half an hour to go, every time this song ends I close my eyes and hope as hard as I can that a different song is going to play and every time it’s fucking Carly telling me about how she “threw a wish in the well”.

Play count: 52

I’m getting so close, maybe 5 to 6 more plays.  ICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHISICANDOTHIS.

Play count: 54

I almost puked.  I’m not even lying to you I legitimately hung my head over my garbage can and couldn’t stop coughing.  I think I’m dying…

Play count: 55

AND ALL THE OTHER BOYS TRY TO CHASSSSSE MEEE

Play count: 56

I’m so close, it’s the home stretch.  DON’T STOP ME NOOOOOOOOOOW!

Play count: 56 with 20 seconds left

It’s over… It’s finally over.  I never have to do something like this ever again.  I think I’m going to go outside, smoke a cigarette and really think about what I’m doing with my life.  Well, maybe one more play won’t kill me…

Chris's Album Reviews: Of Monsters and Men - My Head Is An Animal

 

 Nothing says indie rock like a person walking on a beach with a house behind them in waves

     The album My Head Is An Animal is a testament to how a single song can ruin your fan base. The first (and only) major single “Little Talks” is nothing like the rest of this album, so much so that it feels weird and out of place on an otherwise stellar album. Several of the songs fit well, but I fell that this album could use a little more production value. By that I don’t mean that its poor quality recording, I don’t think you can get poor quality recording any more, but I mean some songs (like little talks) just don’t feel like they belong on this album and the ones that do feel jumbled.

       I believe in a graph that marks each track and shows its flow and energy, what I am looking for is either a straight line, a wave or a strong upward of downward trend. This means I want an album to properly flow. When there are several peaks and valleys in an album I find myself having a much harder time getting into it. My Head Is An Animal is nothing but high peaks and low valleys. Typically this kills and album for me but here it just makes it annoying. I am always thinking about how things can be better and it really breaks my heart to think about how with just a little work this could be the best album of the year.

 This is how I see this albums energy reading.

     Each song has its own flow and I don’t want to review each of them however I will touch on my favorites. The album has one of the best opening songs for an album that I have heard in years with “Dirty Paws”. The song perfectly sets the tone for the entirety of the album, it has lots of build up and introduces us to their style of music with two singers being at the for-front with stunning harmonies. “Little Talks” is the best song on this album but needs to be replaced with a different song. It feels out of place, comes in with no warning and leaves you wanting more of the same but it never shows up. It has a strong punch and a strong horn section that just seems to fade right after it gets flowing."Love Love Love" is a song that makes you understand just how good of a singer the female vocalist really is. its a strong song that has very little back-up instruments.

I had to double check to make sure I wasn't on random when I first listened.

    

      My recommendation for Of Monsters and Men is to move around the songs to adjust the flow and remove "Little Talks" and release it as a single only. This album is very strong on its own and could be a classic if just a little more effort was put into it. Still, as is, this is a beautiful album that is rich with great songs that I defy most people not to enjoy. I will be, just in my own order.

8 out of 10 son’s that the mow the lawn.

The Worst Music Ever Made: Butterfly by Crazy Town

I had the displeasure of listening to the radio today on my ride into work. The local "Alternative station" was playing one of the worst songs ever created. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you "Butterfly" by Crazy Town. 

                                            "Bro.. that cover will NEVER become dated!"             

Holy moley where to start? This "song" for lack of a better word is terrible, if you have never heard it count yourself lucky, but also a little unlucky, more that later. Crazy Town is a rap/rock group formed in the mid ninety's and found one hit wonder status in 2000 when this song jumped up the charts all the way to #1. I suspect foul play, how did this useless excuse for a song reach the top spot in 2000? Well it did knock "Stutter" by Joe off.... so that's something in its plus column. Also it's where DJ AM got his start, that's right, he was in Crazy Town.

What makes it the worst music ever made: Well simple, it has a boring repetitive guitar riff, terribly written and preformed lyrics and a music video that is just funny these days. Watching this video was like stepping back to the year 2000. I can imagine a conversation with my daughter one day, "Dad what did people wear when you were in high school?" I'll show her this video and say "That's what douchebags of my day wore... that and really saggy pants regardless of their social-economic state, because they don't understand that the trend is based on a certain lifestyle that they don't properly lend themselves to.... Now run along daddy needs a drink." These are the lyrics formatted for your reading pleasure:

Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my butterfly
Sugar.baby

Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my butterfly
Sugar.baby

Such a sexy,sexy pretty little thing
Fierce nipple pierce you got me sprung with your tongue ring
and I ain't gonna lie cause your loving gets me high
So to keep you by my side thGere's nothing that I won't try
Butterflies in her eyes and looks to kill
Time is passing I'm asking could this be real
Cause I can't sleep I can't hold still
The only thing I really know is she got sex appeal

I can feel too much is never enough
You're always there to lift me up
When these times get rough I was lost, now I'm found
Ever since you've been around
You're the women that I want
So yo, I'm putting it down.

"Chorus"

Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my butterfly
Sugar.baby
come my lady you're my
pretty baby ill make your legs shake
you make me go crazy

Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my butterfly
Sugar.baby
come my lady you're my
pretty baby ill make your legs shake
you make me go crazy

I don't deserve you unless it's some kind of hidden message
to show me life is precious
Then I guess it's true
But to tell truth, I really never knew
T'll I met you... See I was lost and confused
Twisted and used up
Knew a better life existed but thought that I missed it

My lifestyle's wild I was living like a wild child
Trapped on a short leash paroled the police files
So yo. what' s happening now?
I see the sun breaking down into dark clouds
and a vision of you standing out in a crowd.

Chorus

Hey sugar momma, come and dance with me
The smartest thing you ever did was take a chance with me
Whatever tickles your fancy
Girl it's me and you like Sid and Nancy
So sexy....almost evil Talkin' about butterflies in my head
I used to think that happy endings were only in the books I read but
you made me feel alive when I was almost dead

You filled that empty space with the love I used to chase
and as far as I can see it don't get better than this
So butterfly, here is a song and it's sealed with a kiss
and a thank you miss.

come and dance with me
come and dance with me
come and dance with me
so come and dance with me
uhhhhh ha uhhh ha

Chorus x2

"I'm like Mark Mcgrath from Sugar Ray, but HARDCORE"

Maybe its me but what is the singer trying to get across with this? Does he just want her for sex? Is he trying to be her boyfriend? There's some pretty serious mixed messages in this especially in the line "Girl it's me and you like Sid and Nancy." Yeah... they're dead, he killed her then over dosed on heroin, seems like a poor analogy, unless you plan on stabbing her to death in a shitty apartment in New York, then its perfect! However, based on what the lead singer "Shifty Shellshock" (did I really just type that?) has been in the press for recently, maybe he does want to do that.

Cultural Impact Today: None, Crazy Town didn't inspire anyone, most people don't even know they exist and thank whatever god you pray to for that.

Score of Annoyingness: 7 out of 10, this song is terrible and annoying but in a way that is almost enjoyable. This is why I said earlier your lucky but unlucky if you had never heard it. It's a song that's so bad it's good, like films Manos: The Hands Of Fate or Roadhouse there is no value beyond laughing at how dumb they are. With this being said, when I have my wife in the car and it comes on the radio I crank it and we sing along.

Behind The Curve: 21 Jump Street

 21 Jump Street is not a new film, it came out earlier this year and I decided to wait until DVD to watch it. It was extremely entertaining. So how do you review a film you liked? It's really not as easy as just pointing out the flaws and getting upset like you can with movies that are garbage. Comedies are normally harder to judge especially if it looks like the people on screen are having fun and that’s what this film does, it has a good time with its actors, its source material and its overall plot. To say the least, I enjoyed it.

The Plot: A couple of cops played by Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum look and act immature and when they forget to read Miranda rights after arresting a drug dealer they are placed in a special undercovee squad designed to infiltrate high schools and bring down major crime rings that operate within them. Along the way there are hi-jinks including the two accidently switching fake identities leaving Tatum as the smart chemistry student while Hill is the track star. You see Tatum playing every instrument in a full orchestra and the two engaged in a car chase with Hill dressed as Peter Pan. It takes a fairly simple concept that we have seen several times before, the buddy cop flick, and adds many elements to appease its audience which is obviously aimed at males 15-39.

What was good: I never thought I would say this... The chemistry of Hill and Tatum is dead on, I feel like I could watch these two read the phone book to each other and it would be entertaining. Tatum is especially funny and earns some points in my book because of his ability to laugh at himself. Ice Cube is perfect as a stereotypical pissed off black captain, but he himself points this out so it's all in good fun. Good plot, tons of fun.

"Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?"

What was bad: Not a lot, you kinda know what you’re in for when you watch this. The major nitpick is the lack of strong female roles. All females are either fragile or sex pots, but that’s not who they are aiming for with this film. I couldn’t tell you Hill’s or Tatum’s characters real or fake names.

It’s fun, if you like modern comedies that curse and you don't mind watching a guy trying to pick up his severed penis with his mouth this movie is for you.

8 out of 10 piñata’s stuffed with drugs

The Dark Knight Rises

I went to see The Dark Knight Rises yesterday and all I can say is, eh.....
Talk about squandered potential, this film was geared to break all the records, be the first truly great superhero film trilogy and it falls flat. I had more moments asking myself what just happened and wondering if it was just me not understanding the plot because of the major holes then I care to count. Luckily it wasn't just me. I watched the film with a critic's eye, enjoying what there was to enjoy and trying to wrap my head around what story line I was provided. I left disappointed to say the least, and how could I not be? This film was hailed as a masterpiece months before it came out, rumors buzzed about the plot, the casting, the script. Will The Batman die? Will Bane take up his comic book counterparts title as the man who broke the bat? As it turns out, no.

Allow me to break it down. I am going to wrap up the issues with this movie, needless to say, SPOILERS.

                                                        Fuck Yeah he'll rise! Rise so hard!

The Dark Knight is one of the greatest superhero films ever made. Not only did it truly give us a hero to cheer for but it gave us two great villains, good supporting characters and a solid plot with a great second act ending. Setting The Dark Knight Rises 8 years later was a bold choice, but a good one, I personally agree with Nolan's plan to give this character some time in between the events of the Jokers attack and Bane's. However from the start this is questioned, The Batman has been gone for 8 years, but how long has Bruce Wayne been a shut in? It's not really determined, or at least it wasn't spelled out well enough for me. We can deduce that he has been shut in for awhile, and this happened after the clean energy project failed. We see Gordon debating if he should tell the truth about Dent... 8 years after he dies.... yeah this seems like as good of time as any, speaking of, what is the Dent act? It's never explained, we can determine that it is an act that keeps criminals in jail but other than that, who knows?

                               Ohhhh, that's the Dent act, just had to do a Google search to find it.

It seems to me that The Joker is a great reference point to any superhero villain, be it DC or Marvel. Heath Ledger's take on The Clown Prince of Crime is the stuff Oscars are made of. Bane however is underplayed to the point of boredom, what do we know about Bane? Nothing really, he's ruthless, has men who will follow him to their death, but really, we don't know much, especially after the "big reveal"... more on that later. So putting Bane in this mask that covers up half his face so we can't see Tom Hardy act was dumb, it's like hiring top notch actors to play chipmunks, its a waste of money. Bane looks threatening but other than that, nothing, there was no emotion on his face, no love, no fear, no nothing. It's not Tom Hardy's fault... we can't see his damn face! His voice is painfully dubbed to the point where it just gets annoying and he has a strange Deckard Cain voice that sounds like he should be identifying my Plate Mail of the Stars instead of threatening Batman. In the end Bane is reduced to the same fate as in Batman and Robin, second fiddle to a woman mastermind who is controlling him. Whats sad is that in the comics Bane is not only physically threatening but intellectually as well, and we will never see him do this in a film. He will always just be a big bodyguard.

                                                       Stay awhile and destroy Gotham.

The action scenes..... oh man, what action scenes? Watching Batman and Bane fight was boring, how do you fuck that up?! By making them just punch at each other, nothing else, just throw punches, two of the worlds greatest fighters, both trained by the league of shadows, Bane is a prison fighter and they just trade blows like some dumb Rock-em Sock-em Robots. Wheres the flair? I know that the "Boss Battles" in The Dark Knight Trilogy have all been pretty boring, but the fight with Scarecrow and Joker weren't really supposed to be intense, this needed to be, and wasn't. The other action scenes all involved Batman or Catwoman driving a vehicle and shooting people. Speaking of shooting people, if Batman won't use guns why do all of his vehicles have massive guns mounted on them? What sense does that make? None, but they sure look cool! Other action scenes included climbing and walking through a sewer.

Now the twist. Was I the only one who knew Miranda Tate was going to be evil? No, of course not, that was shown a mile away, but making her Ra's al Ghul's daughter was suprising and a waste. It would have been way better if we just took out her character completely, she makes Bane look weak minded. The "trigger" for the bomb is also a waste, a nice little way to pad out the movie but there was no need for a trigger, just say there's one and go from there, the fear alone will keep people at bay. Switching topics. Robin..... WHY? That is all.

Wrapping up: By reading this you would think I hated this movie, but I didn't It was a good attempt and not a bad film. However it has been hyped so much and has so much that it needs to reach to be as good as the previous film that it fails. Nolan tries to make a huge epic film that feels like it may be able to happen if someone who has the resources and drive attempted, but it falls flat. The bland colors mixed with the repetitive score get old quick add that with boring acting and boring action and we get a sub-par drama.
To sum it up, The Dark Knight did not rise, it fluttered then fell, like a dead pigeon.

Final Score: 6 out of 10 Dead Russian nuclear physicist

For comparison: Batman Begins: 9 out of 10. The Dark Knight: 10 out of 10

Marvel NOW! or how I learned to love the re-boot

Hey everybody Chris here,
I typically like re-boots. I know this makes me in the minority because people typically feel attached to characters and plot lines and they hate to have all that time wasted. The exception seems to be James Bond because we understand most are independent characters and independent stories and we're cool with that. Maybe it's because we can't get close to Bond. Sure we know what he likes and how smooth he is, but its not like we really know a ton about his psyche. I digress, you see I love to "clean house" throw away all the extra and start from scratch. I learn from my past mistakes and make a better product.

At least that's the idea, the sad truth is that most re-boots are simply cash cows that executives in their respective industries cash into to make a quick buck. Comic books are the worst offenders in the re-boot world. It seems like a comic book character can't go more than a few years without being completely re-booted, even entire companies re-boot. DC's new 52 can be presented in two ways. #1: It is a good way to do away with years convoluted story lines that may or may not have been resolved, tons of 2nd, 3rd and 4th string characters who need to be eliminated and 80 years of character development that new readers would need to know to understand, in short, a brand new "jumping on point" for new readers. #2: A giant FUCK YOU to everyone who reads the comic and has been for years.

Marvel NOW! is attempting to do the same thing that The New 52 did, the major problem is that Marvel already did this 10(ish) years ago with the Ultimate universe. So I'll say it once, Marvel please stop what you are doing, its not going to gain you any new fans and just piss off the fan base you already have.

Marvel can you hear me....?

Behind the Curve: Green Lantern

Hello and welcome to Behind the Curve I'm your blogger Chris Bowser. I am married, I have a young daughter, I have a job where I work a lot of hours. I have priorities that make it to where I am a little behind the curve on current movies that I am interested in. In the past I would have gone to see a movie like this in the theater and I would have been pissed that I wasted 10 bucks (15 if in 3D) on it.

A quick summary: Hal Jordan is a test pilot who feels no fear (except he feels fear in the first 20 minutes and ruins a new plane in the process)! He is chosen by an intergalactic police force called the Green Lanterns to police the sector the Earth resides in. He is the first human to be chosen, of course this is a huge honor. After 15 minutes of training by Drill Instructor Kilawog he is expected to fight the best Green Lantern, the honorable Sinsetro (because that name inspires confidence). When he is bested he decides to give it up, but  when the fear monster Paralax threatens earth will Hal rise to the occasion? Of course he will.

What I liked about this movie: Well, there was a few cool effects, the green energy CGI was cool and I liked the fact that whenever Hal went into his Green Lantern persona his eyes turned pure white. um.... that's about it.

What I hated about this movie: The plot.... well what plot? It was rushed to such an extent that I never got to get a feel for anyone or anything, I think if I didn't know the little I did about Green Lantern comics I would be so lost that it would just make this completely unwatchable. The effects from the ring were bad, the characters all looked stupid, space looked fake and Paralax looks like a weird shit octopus. Ryan Reynolds..... I swear he needs to stop getting work, ladies (and gay dudes) I know he's hot, has sweet abs but can we agree that he hasn't been in a good movie since Van Wilder?

All and all 3 Green Rings of Power out of 10 and that's being generous.