Uwe Boll is the master at making terrible movies. He is also the master of giving video game movies a bad name. Dungeon Siege is a sub-par video game that is only known because it is a Diablo 2 knock off. This film follows suit by being a below sub-par film that is only known because it is so bad and it also happens to be a Lord Of The Rings knock off. It'e pretty apparent that he is modeling this movie directly after Lord of The Rings with all the sweeping shots of landscape (which starts off the movie) the films score (more on that later) and the main bad guys (some kind of orc knock off). The first thing I thought after starting to watch this film on Youtube, for free, was "how does this talent-less director get these names?" Actors like Jason Statham, Ron Pearlman, Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds!? Talented people who can make a quality film when they want to, other then to earn a quick buck and the promise of a wrap party within 20 days I can't imagine that any of these people would want to work with Boll. If you want to know more about this psychopathic director I recommend looking at his wiki. I found the part where he says he will box any critic particularly funny, I decided that I would love to see him try to fight Robert Ebert.
 |
| Seeing "Bandit" as a king is strange and confusing. |
This film opens with no context, my guess is Ray Liotta is an evil mage who is sleeping with the king's daughter who is a mage in training and the king would not approve of this. How do I know this? Great lines like "I'm so glad your training me to use this magic but my father's the king and if he finds out about us we will be in trouble". We are told that the shitty orc knock offs are attacking people and we are introduced to King Burt Reynolds. We see "Farmer" played by Jason Statham (because being named what you do is lazy and stupid so Boll had to put it in) doing things with his family including pulling some kind of root, and eating said root. It was at this point that I figured that his wife and son would both die within the next 15 minutes, nay, I demanded that these characters die. We are then introduced to Ron Pearlman. I don't know who he is but I think his name is "Old Guy who uses a pick ax as a weapon" or something like that. "Farmer" then has to fight a bunch of the orc knock off's and doesn't get hit, he runs to Ron Pearlman's house who shouts "It's about time" like he should have known they would be there too and how dare he not arrive before defending his own home. There's no explanation why anyone can fight that I saw or heard, but maybe they said something about it and the score was so overwhelming that I couldn't hear it.
Speaking of the score, god damn this is terrible. Boll needs to turn it down. It's not like the dialogue is so great that we need to hear it but I don't want to listen to shitty wanna be Lord of the rings score when I can just listen to LOTR soundtrack (also on Youtube if you don't own it). Next question: Was there a fight choreographer? The first 35 minutes is 25 minutes of fighting and 10 minutes of useless story so there should have been, but there's no consistency. Every time "Farmer" ducks and has a orc thing roll over him they die, no rhyme, no reason, there just gone forever. I think I figured it out though, every time "Farmer" rolls a orc thing off of him a small worm hole opens up and sucks them in, it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie so why not.
More happened but I turned it off right around the part where they get to a bridge that has been burnt down and decide to zipline across a it with a piece of leather. "Farmer" makes it across but Pearlman gets stuck half way and the third guy goes without looking and ohhh no.... Hilarity sets in when they collide on the rope and fall several hundred feet into water below. Good thing the waters super deep and not normal water that will still kill you when you hit it because they are fine. The next line was so funny, Ron Pearlman gets out of the water and he's soaking wet and he says "So much for a short cut". That was the last straw for me. I had to turn it off.
 |
| This looks like a crappy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain from the third movie. |
This is one of the worst things my eyes have ever endured and I've watched 60 year old meth addicted chicks taking their tops off at concerts. I couldn't get through it. I had better things to do.In summary the score was awful, the acting terrible, script... well I don't know if they had one, the set pieces looked like set pieces, the enemies are stock, the characters are stock and I think a dead, deaf, blind monkey could have made a better film.
0 out of 10 Boomerang throws that do nothing but scare off birds.
2 out of 10 Boomerang throws that do nothing but scare off birds. (If drinking, while watching with friends)
No comments:
Post a Comment